 These Tragic Souls and a Sword Reborn

in an Intergalactic Space Opera

Story Starts

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Book 1 - The Empty Twin

Ch 3.3 Depersonalization-Derealization

[Part 3 of ?]

‘Flashback’

Guilt, anger, confusion, sadness, apathy, self-pity, doubt, hate, jealousy, shame, fear, frustration, loneliness, disgust, resentment; those were the feelings that I wallowed in for the past few years as I lay here trapped in the gem my sister inherited from our father, the same father who threw me away to suffer, I could even still remember, my anger at the memory of him telling me that it’ll be the best opportunity for me.

Anger, self-pity, confusion, hate, happiness, guilt, shame, and apathy at my father;

-anger and self-pity at myself that I wasn’t enough;

-confusion and anger at the horror he has allowed me to be subjected to;

-happiness, then guilt, then shame, and finally apathy when I found out what has become of my former father;

 -and finally hate, hate, hate, at the sole root cause of everything I experienced.

I want it all gone.  

Hope and despair from Kariya, when he said he’ll save me the fact that there was still someone out there who wants to protect me and the despair I felt, when I found out it was all for nought.

I want it all gone.

Resentment, pain, humiliation, anger, that’s all that encompassed the violation, the pain, the torture I experienced under the care of Zouken.

All those times as I gaze into his calculating and mocking eyes as he observes me being subjected to his familiars, penetrating me, stimulate me, the dirty feelings as my lust drives the familiars into frenzy as they drain me of my Od;

-the seemingly innocent stories he would tell to fracture my psyche more, and more, and more, like how Tokiomi, the perfect magus that he is, would have joined in the experiments if he found out about the Zolgen’s sorcery trait.

-the stories about how her sister was a lot better off without her and that she’s thriving in her studies;

-the casual way he would talk about Shirou and his daily life, dangling the fact that anytime he could take away everything that I love.

I want it all gone.

Hate, anger, and sadness at Shinji;

-hate and anger at all the abuse has thrust upon me, how he would violate me every night, how he would mock me, devalue me, how I should be thankful for being brought into this family;

-and sadness at how a seemingly innocent and kind child could turn into an angry and vile creature due to his fear of Zouken.

I want it all gone.

Hate, anger, resentment, guilt, jealousy, frustration, shame, fear at Rin;

-hate, jealousy, and resentment at the fact that they chose her over me, at everything she had that I didn’t;

-jealousy at how easy it was for her to get close to Shirou;

-guilt, shame, and fear at the times she’s been talking to the gem I currently am possessing;

-of how she’s excited to renew her bond with her sister, of how she doesn’t blame me for my actions, of how she loves me and regrets giving into her magus assumptions that distancing herself would only benefit me.

I also felt hope and longing for my estranged sister;

-hope that everything will eventually be okay, love and longing for what could have been and what could eventually be.

The ebb and flow, the push and pull, rise and fall, of my positive and negative emotions for my sister.

I want it all gone.

Finally my passion, longing, jealousy, love, love, love, love, guilt, sadness, and shame for Shirou.

Passion and longing, the fact despite how tainted I am he accepted me and my body;

-love how he was my only hope and salvation;

-my safe space as he represents the literal bastion of everything that’s good in my life;

-jealousy at the fact that he found solace with Rin, Saber, Caster, and even my trusted Rider;

-guilt, sadness, and shame at the fact that I was the reason for him to give up everything, to cast aside his ideals, to reject the only thing he inherited and cherished from his beloved savior and father.

–I. WANT. IT. ALL. GONE!?

“Child, are you sure about that? You could restart your life, move on from your trauma with those you love.”

“Huh?” Slowly looking up to see the visage of an old man.

The old man just frowned at me.

“Looks like you weren’t listening to me.”

Ignoring the old man, I look down towards the palms of my hands; something I haven’t seen for years now. Looking around me all I see is white. Turning my head towards the only other thing present in this wide void.

“My name's Zelretch, the magician of the second magic, I am here to try and correct or at least provide some recompense to you.”

Coughing into his hand as I blankly look at him, while I currently wonder whether or not my psyche finally broke.

“Rin, Shirou, and Illya, unfortunately got caught in one of ORT’s attacks and since your soul was bound within the gem you as well were caught as collateral.”

He sighs again as his visage twisted into a frown.

“If you didn’t know, I together with Nagato Tohsaka, Makiri Zolgen,–”

A flare of hatred went through my body as he threw out my tormentor’s name, I of course knew the original name of my torturer.

“- and Justeaze von Einzbern helped in creating the Holy Grail System. I specifically was the one responsible for making the greater grail and adding specific check systems so that Justeaze’s connection to the root isn’t compromised.”

“Unfortunately, at that time my clairvoyance didn’t really trigger anything, it probably was blocked by the counter force, and I unfortunately signed a geas preventing me from directly interfering with the three families.”  

“So despite my knowledge of your predicament, despite the fact that in most cases where Rin always asks me to help your other versions, I unfortunately had my hands tied.”

Clasping his hands behind him he slowly approached me.

“I sent you here to this place so we could have a private conversation and grant you certain boons as recompense for my help in creating that accursed tournament. Again, like I implied a while ago there are certain events in the five Holy Grail Wars that are important to either Gaia or Alaya, so the counter force is heavily against any major outside interference when it comes to the Holy Grail Wars.”

He then crouched in front of me kneeling on one knee as he then tried to give me a supportive smile.

“I and a few greater beings here would like to grant you certain boons but first here’s the knowledge and common sense of the next reality we’ll be sending you. Brace yourself as I’ll force certain knowledge to prompt certain important things to be immediately known.”

Suddenly, a myriad of knowledge assaults my mind. A vast galaxy of seemingly limitless possibilities, making me feel smaller than I felt before.

Still the implications of what could happen both gives me hope and scares me at the same time.

“Rin– and– Shirou would be with me in this new reality?”

I hesitantly asked.

“Yes, I’ll concede some of my insight to you. You’ll be transported with those you cherish, plus probably a few more. Though, I’ll be honest, the first year might be a harrowing experience but I assure you, your bonds with those you cherish and those you’ll eventually adore shall be forged unbreakable once you’ve overcome this seemingly impossible challenge.”

Wincing at the thought of more challenges and for what? –Do I even deserve this?

“Yes, dear child that and more.” Suddenly a myriad of chorused voices echoed within my mind.

“I’m just too tired of these feelings, the guilt and hope, will I ever get rid of all this?”

“Yes, dear child as long as you persist and rise over everything, you’ll be tempered and moulded into something stronger than all your–”

“WHY MUST I ENDURE MORE?!”

Yelling at the white void, at the old man who introduced himself as a true magician, behind him are a number of translucent silhouettes of beings feminine in nature, exuding an aura of something beyond mortality.

 But I ignored that as I slump even more, “No more, please!”, tears now freely falling into my clenched fist. “I WANT IT ALL GONE!”

My previous mantra now cycling, echoing, all throughout my mind and psyche all of my hopes and regrets now a turbulent ocean within me.

A hand clasped my chin and gently lifted my face up, her other hand wiping my tears away. “Fear not child I shall take you away, you’ll no longer be burdened by your tribulations. Come stand up and join me.”

“Ummm—”

“No words, magician. I know the laws of this cosmic phenomena. An equivalent value must pass through, my sisters and I shall provide equivalence.”

She guided me into the center of the groups of silhouetted higher beings as they all brought me into a loving embrace as the feelings of content washes over me, the feeling that I finally belonged, as I reciprocated these feelings with my gratitude, accepting everything into my person until everything–

–was gone.

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Darkness, that’s where I came from–.

–Light, this is where I came to, looking around I only see a white void.

No matter where I look, all I see is the same sight. I can’t even tell whether or not I turned my body around or was I mistaken in thinking that way?

“Shirou?! Rin?!”

I reflexively called out, huh? Suddenly disjointed memories flooded into my mind, events, memories and emotions that felt both mine but at the same time not.

“I apologize, child, for your current predicament.”

Turning towards the voice behind me as I then tilted my head in confusion as the voice who called out at me was– me.

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END

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