COMBAT SALVAGE INVENTORY FORM C4274

Makarioi hoi praeis hoti autoi kleronomesousin ten gen

ITEM ID: 384024

DATE: 28/7/44

NAME: Technician Second Class Molossi

SUPERVISOR: Senior Technician Kar

ACTION: Orestis peacekeeping operations, Leukon

RECOVERY DATE: 26/7/44, D+108 of operations

CONTAMINATION: Bio / Chem / Rad / None

CONTAMINATION READINGS: N/A

RECOVERY SITE: Disabled insurrectionist mech suit, cockpit

CATEGORY: Personal

DESCRIPTION: Handwritten letter, addressed ‘Kione Monax’

######### PER SPECIAL DIRECTIVE 239 ALL PERSONAL ITEMS PERTAINING TO KIONE MONAX ARE CLASSIFIED (LEVEL 3) AND MUST BE IMMEDIATELY SEALED AND TRANSPORTED TO K-FACILITY FOR IMMEDIATE REVIEW BY SENIOR HANDLER #########

ITEM ENCLOSED

Hey, Ki

Feels pretty dumb writing to you like this. Doesn’t help knowing that you’d be the first to laugh at me about it. You’d probably tell me there’s no profit to be made in letters that’ll never be read. And you’d be right, I guess. But I’ve been getting everyone to write letters to the people they’ve lost. We lost a lot of them at Leukon, after all. Morale’s been pretty low since then. People need a way to get some of it out, to say the things they never got to say, and this bright idea was my way of stepping up to provide. Took some cajoling to bring everyone around, but I think it’s been helping. I was actually pretty proud of myself over the whole thing, so I imagine how it felt when I realized I had things I needed to say to you too.

We all saw what happened. We all saw you kneel to that woman. We heard… well, I guess I’m not exactly sure what I heard. But it was bad, Ki. How could you? You betrayed us, just like we always knew you would, and it makes me so fucking angry. More angry than I’ve ever been. For a long time afterwards, I didn’t know how to stop being angry. I could feel it writhing inside me every single waking moment like some kind of parasite. For a while, I could barely say two words to people without spitting some piece of vitriol I didn’t even mean. I just wanted to tear everything to pieces. Me, you, the Empire, us rebels, the whole fucking world. Looking back, it’s scary how angry I was. Maybe I needed it, at first. It made me feel strong. But I don’t want to be that person.

Looking around, I think a lot of us are giving into that feeling. I see a lot of it directed at you. People cursing your name. People talking about all the warning signs we missed, and all the things they’d like to do to you if they ever see you again. Everyone makes you out like some kind of demon. Like you’re the worst piece of shit scumbag traitor who ever lived. Maybe you are. You probably deserve it all. But the weird thing is, when I hear people talking like that, I end up wanting to stick up for you. I’ve even tried it a few times. Earned a few bruises that way. I don’t hold it against them. I get hating you, I really do. But there’s more to you than just how things ended, isn’t there? Everyone seems to forget that before you knelt, you were fighting them. I’ve seen the footage. That wasn’t a put-on duel. You were giving it everything you had, and you practically got ripped in half for it. That means something to me. I won’t pretend to understand what happened afterwards, but while you were putting your life on the line to keep the Empire from our gates - then, at that moment, you were truly one of us. Truly a rebel. And for that, Ki, I believe in you.

Only, I didn’t, did I? Believe. Because I pushed you away. After the mountain. After the dogs. After Vola. While you were drawing back, isolating yourself, I let you. Hell, I helped. I had my reasons, obviously. I was angry then too. Got some anger issues to attend to, I guess - not that you didn’t kind of deserve it, of course. It’s just, I keep wondering about what might have been if I’d been able to forgive you instead, and keep you with us. It’s hard to keep fighting when you’re on your own. I left you alone when I shouldn’t have, just like we let you go out there and fight Genetor alone. It wasn’t fair. Maybe it’s no wonder you gave up. Everyone always sees the worst in you, don’t they Ki?

So here’s how I make it right: from now on, I’m keeping the faith. I’m not gonna tell anyone about it. It’s not what they need to hear. But here’s how it is, in my head: you were tricking them. Maybe it was your brilliant master plan, or maybe you were just making it up as you go along. I’m not exactly sure. But you only let them think you were beaten and giving in so you could get an advantage. Maybe you’ve already escaped and flown off to who knows where. Maybe you’re still playing along until you get the perfect opportunity to kick them where it hurts. Not sure about that either. But you’re one of us, Kione Monax. That’s my truth. Call it my own, private rebellion.

I know how all this sounds. Trust me, I know. Gods forbid anyone ever actually reads this thing. Least of all you. It’s naive as hell, and perhaps I’m just staying loyal to feelings that were never going to come to anything anyway. But we all need something to believe in, right? Just so we’re clear, though: you let me down and that’s it for us. I’m not stupid, and I’m scared I’m making myself too fragile with this. If I see you again and you prove me wrong, I might just break into a million pissed-off little pieces. But until that happens, I’m not going to let that part of myself win. And from now on, whenever I’m in a pinch, I’m gonna be scanning the skies for crimson wings. Just in case.

Happy hunting, merc. Maybe one day, we’ll get that drink we were always talking about.

Your radio girl,

Amynta Tet

REVIEWING OFFICER:

REVIEWING OFFICER’S NOTES: For immediate disposal

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