(logo chiming)

(tense music)

- This video contains content

that some might find disturbing.

Viewer discretion is advised.

I'm Ryan Bergara, and
this is "Are You Scared?"

A show where I tell my friend Shane Madej

the Internet's scariest stories.

Today we're actually gonna be doing things

a little bit different
for "Are You Scared?"

Because our submission,
while normally from online,

has actually come to us in
the form of a little envelope.

- [Shane] A mysterious package.

- A mysterious package

which has obviously seen better days.

Says, "To: Watcher" on the front

and it has a British
postage, weirdly enough.

And there's also a big R logo here.

- Yeah.
- Not sure

what that's all about.

Shall we see what's inside?

- If we dare.

- (laughs) All right, let's take a look.

I love this kind of style.

- Do you get these sort of
packages often? It's burnt.

- Yeah. Well, normally I just
kind of open them at home.

But this is the first one
I've opened on camera.

It smells weird.
- It's like Christmas.

- We got one, two, three tapes.

Actually just get these out and like put.

Oh shit.

And it looks like there's
some burnt scraps of paper.

That explains the burnt smell.

Huh? Well, let's get that out of there.

- That's a genuine cassette tape.

- Looks like this tape says
one, this tape says two.

- [Shane] Listen last.

- Should we listen first?

- Do a little Tarantino?
- No, no, no, no, no.

Let's listen, let's.
- We're good boys.

- We're not gonna Tarantino it.

We'll listen to the first one.

- Well, this is exciting.

- This is exciting.
- I don't have to

hear your voice.
- Okay.

I don't know if I would've
worded it that way, but.

- We get some tapes from a stranger.

- Well-
- Its a fun

little surprise.
- how do I open

this tape player?

(button clicks)

How did you do that?

- I read a button.

(Ryan laughs)
(tape player clicks)

Oh gosh.
- Oh my God.

- Okay, this is really exciting.

- Well, let's hop into it.
- Are we ready?

- Lock your doors, turn off the lights

and let's see if we could make
it till the end of the night.

(tape player clicks)
(tense music)

- [Tommy] And we could
interview them right up to

and past their sentencing.

- [Adam] Oh, all right,
all right, all right.

Hang on, hang on. All right, start over.

I can't write any more of these down

so I've got the recorder going now.

- [Tommy] I'm saying if we do
enough human interest stories

but focus on people who
are most likely to murder,

then one is bound to snap and,
boom, there's our podcast.

We follow him. And stop shaking your head.

We're looking for potential murderers.

Statistically, it's gonna be a him.

- [Adam] I, I meant
start over. Start over.

Nevermind.

(coughs) This is Adam and Tommy.

- [Tommy] Hello.

- [Adam] We have been trying
to come up with a new podcast

for, oh, well, would you look at that?

We just crossed over into the 15th hour.

- [Tommy] No, we haven't really have we?

- [Adam] You can't tell by
the ideas you're pitching.

You just suggested we
interview random people

until we happen upon a
future serial killer.

- [Tommy] I mean, it's how
companies find their CEOs.

- I like it.

- Their idea for a true crime podcast

is just to interview people

hoping that they're interviewing
a future serial killer.

- It's a smart idea, I think.

- (laughs) You think that's a smart idea.

- Tommy and Adam. They're just like us.

We sit down a lot too and we go,

"What's a good idea for a ghost show?"

- Yeah, we don't normally
record it though.

- We should start recording it.

- Yeah, because then we
could send our tape over

back to the UK.

Put it in an equally dirty envelope.

By the way, I'm enjoying
just listening with you.

- That's nice to vibe, huh?

Welcome to the vibe zone, brother.

I've been living here.

- We're just vibing in the void together.

- That's what we're all,
that's what we're here for.

- Were you trying to shake.
- Just reached out to.

Yeah, reached out to hold.
- Oh, what did you

want me to do, like high
five you or? (laughs)

Okay, cool. Let's get going.

- [Adam] Cute.

Could you maybe use
some of that cleverness

to come up with an actual idea?

- [Tommy] (sighs) Okay,
a, a podcast that narrates

a decomposing body live to time.

- [Adam] I imagine the first few hours

will be pretty boring.

- [Tommy] Ah, thought of that

before the maggots really start writhing,

you use that time to tell
the story of the corpse.

Like, "Oh, this young
woman was hit by a lorry

on her way to uni."

Isn't it a pity?

- [Adam] You want us to
watch a decomposing student?

And you think the sponsors
will be okay with that?

Uh, and now the maggots
are moving onto her eyes

with Wrigley taking the
lead and Bitey close behind.

This episode brought to you

by the nice respectable family company TM.

- I'm sure you actually
like that podcast idea

because you have said many times.

- It's pretty fascinating,
the natural world.

Oh, you, you're talking
about how I wouldn't mind

to be publicly decomposing.
- You told me

that your plans for burial

are to be thrown off a
helicopter into a field

and let your body rot.

- I think there's, it's perfectly
natural to rot. You know?

You don't gotta pump me full
of chemicals after I die.

- Well, technically we're all rotting.

- This is, this is not
true. We're not rotting.

You're not rotting.
- There's no necrosis

occurring on your butt.
- Well we're definitely,

we're decomposing slowly.

- We're not.
- We're decomposing.

- No.
- We're aging.

Our cells, they're dying.

- Yeah, but then they get
replaced by other cells.

This is not what's happening.
- Look at your face.

- Look at my face. Look at you.

- This is a perfect example. Exhibit A.

We're slowly dying.

Me, it's like, is he getting,
is he getting younger?

- You're not. You're
certainly not, I can tell you.

- [Adam] This episode brought to you

by the nice respectable family company TM.

- [Tommy] We haven't had a
respectable sponsor in years.

- [Adam] Because you keep pitching

completely unhinged ideas.

Now please, for the good of the company

and our bank accounts,

let's come up with something marketable.

- [Tommy] Aside from Corpse Cast you mean.

- [Adam] we have that one recorded.

We can move on

knowing that we can always
return to these tapes

and find that genius again.

- [Tommy] Good point.

You do actually think these
are good ideas, right?

- [Adam] I just think maybe

we're scraping the bottom
of this particular barrel,

so to speak.

- [Tommy] Easy to shoot ideas down.

A bit harder to get them to take off.

- [Adam] What's that mean?

- [Tommy] I come up with all
the ideas and you just say, no.

It must be nice to be on
the curation side is all.

- [Adam] Oh, all right, all right.

- Catty.

- They are right though. It
is easier to shoot ideas down.

- Yeah, take it from me.

(Ryan laughs)
(tape recorder clicks)

- [Tommy] Must be nice to be
on the curation side is all.

- [Adam] Oh, all right, all right.

What about a scripted podcast?

- [Tommy] Hold on, you
want me to start thinking

of a whole other type
of podcast at 11:00 PM?

- [Adam] We're doing it together.

- [Tommy] (grumbles) This together.

(sighs) Okay fine. How
about some tea, then?

I'll get the kettle on
and we'll give it a shot.

- [Adam] Uh, I think I'm good.

- [Tommy] No, trust me.
You're gonna love it.

- [Adam] (sighs) What I would love

is if you could come up with
a new horror podcast idea

so I can start paying rent again.

Maybe. God, I don't know?

Looking into crimes that are not solved.

That can't have been done.
If so certainly not well.

- Hey, you watch it.

- (huffs) Shots fired
from across the pond.

- Yeah, dude. What the
hell is going on here?

- Yikes.
- Clear dig at us.

- Do you think we're dealing with

sort of a Leopold and Loeb situation here?

Are these guys gonna start
making their own crimes

to report on?

Do we trust the English?

- Like what we're doing
over in "Ghost Files"

making ghosts from scratch?

- Yes. You murder people.

- I don't do that. I've never said that.

I said.
- The reaping.

- I said I make ghosts from scratch.

- Uh-huh.

- Here we are.
- Cheers.

- To clever ideas.
- Cheers to that.

(both slurping drinks)

- [Tommy] Speaking of,
come up with any knockouts

while I was gone?

- [Adam] No. What tea is this?

It's very.
- Great. Right?

- [Adam] I was going to say earthy.

- [Tommy] Oh, so you're
a tea critic too, I see.

Not stopping you from
drinking it though, is it?

- [Adam] I can appreciate
dirt tea every now and again.

Now.

- What's going on with the tea?

- Oh, that's what you? (laughs)

Yeah, let's go, let's find out

what's going on.
- No, I'm just curious

'cause he was like, "Oh trust
me, you'll love this tea."

Do you think that the tea is infused

with like hallucinogenics?

- Oh, I thought you were gonna say

is the tea metaphorical, like.
- No, no, no.

I was thinking that like
maybe to generate wild ideas

he's drugging them with
some hallucinogenic tea

or some psychotropic tea.

- We should take ayahuasca

before we listen to the second tape.

- I think we should
dose you with ayahuasca

and lock you in a haunted house.

And if you want to see that-
- No, no.

- just let us know and we'll do it.

- We won't.

- [Adam] Now, scripted podcast ideas.

- [Tommy] Right, what do you have?

- [Adam] Maybe you can get
the ball rolling for us.

- [Tommy] Maybe you can get
the ball rolling for us.

I'm always rolling the bloody ball.

- [Adam] Well we have different
strengths, you and I, so.

- [Tommy] So it's probably time

you use whatever strength
you have and roll that ball.

- [Adam] Fine. Fine, all right.

Scripted horror podcast.

- [Tommy] Good start.

- [Adam] Maybe one where a guy-

- Yes?
- has an infestation of ants-

- I'm with you.
- in his pants.

- [Tommy] Just right there in his pants.

- [Adam] Yeah, and they're
controlling his actions?

- [Tommy] Like an upside
down "Ratatouille?"

- [Adam] I think we saw
different "Ratatouilles."

- [Tommy] Pass. What else do you have?

- [Adam] Nothing. This is hard.

(footsteps shuffling)

Do these windows open? (sighs) Guess not.

What's that guy doing?
- Who?

- [Adam] The guy down
there on the pavement.

Other side of the street.

- The dancing guy?
- Yes.

- Okay.
- And we're off Baby

Now were off to the races.
- Now I was wondering,

and I'm like.
- We're off to the races.

This is not, 'cause I mean

two guys talk about ideas the whole time.

Now we've got a guy.

- We have three tapes too.

So we, I would assume they make it

at least to the third tape.

Right?
- Yeah.

- The dancing guy?
- Yes, the dancing guy.

- [Tommy] I don't know. He's pissed.

- [Adam] No, I don't think
it's drink. Drugs maybe?

Look at him scratching.
- Mm.

- [Adam] Yeah, that does
not look comfortable.

- [Tommy] Awful.

- [Adam] Anyway, let's keep
working. We were on a roll.

- [Tommy] Yeah, pity we lost the momentum

from the ant's idea.

- [Adam] At least I came up
with one. It's your turn.

- [Tommy] Hey, I helped.

You keep going. This is fun.

- [Adam] (sighs) What about.

(sighs and mutters) Oh, okay,
what about a taxi driver

who has a photographic memory of all maps

but doesn't know how to operate a car?

- [Tommy] And that's a horror idea?

- [Adam] Yeah.

- (laughs) What the fuck?

- This guy's bad at ideas.
- Yeah, dude.

- Okay, now I got, now I'm thinking

the man outside dancing,
scratching is a zombie?

- No, I think it's just some
dude up to no good, maybe.

- That's how it always starts
though, in zombie films.

They're always like,
"Look at that weird guy.

What's he up to?"

"I don't know.

Lets go about our day."
- That's true.

"Maybe we should go up for a closer look."

- Then they hear something
funny on the radio

and they're like, "Huh, what is this now?"

- [Adam] Or, maybe he
can get the car going

but he doesn't know how to stop it.

- [Tommy] No one's made him
aware of the brake pedal.

How does he pick up customers?

- [Adam] Okay, I, I'm starting to see

how someone poking holes in
your story could be frustrating.

- [Tommy] Yeah, but I'm being serious now.

There might be something here. Keep going.

- [Adam] (sighs) He, he doesn't know

how he picks up the customers.

Every day he wakes up

already in the process of driving someone.

They tell him their story and it's,

it's always a, like a
different awful person.

Someone truly despicable.

And then when they finish
telling him about themselves,

he reveals he can't stop

and he, he just crashes
the car killing them both.

- [Tommy] Hey, now we're onto.

(tires squealing)
(metal clatters)

- [Adam] What was that?

Jesus, a car just slammed
into the building.

- [Tommy] Must've been
going at 70 miles an hour.

- This is really fun.

- Taxi cab confessions would be better

if it always ended with the taxi crashing.

But also, yeah, there is a car

that's now crashing into the building.

- So wait, they said in the
story that they were pitching

that the car crashed, and
an actual crash happened.

- That would be like us
pitching a ghost show

and then during that a ghost showed up on.

- He was like, "Strong pitch."

- (laughs) "I have some notes."

- You know, listening to this
with you makes me think back,

you know, at how fun it must have been

to gather around the radio, you know?

- Those pictures are always goofy

'cause they're always
looking at the radio.

- Mother and father around the radio.

- Yeah.
- Sounds nice.

- It does sound nice.
- Now we've got TV.

What am I? I'm out here
watching, you know, "Star Trek?"

- It's pretty good.

- "Star Trek" is pretty
good. I watch it a lot.

- Anyone hurt?
- What do you think?

- [Tommy] Oh, good, drunk guys okay.

- [Adam] I mean, looks
like he's passed out.

Oh, no, he's all right. Moving his legs.

- [Tommy] (laughs) Looks like
he's dancing in his sleep.

- [Adam] Uh, there's the ambulance.

- [Tommy] One hell of a response time.

- [Adam] Yeah, the NHS is a miracle.

Anyway, back to work.

That was weird.
- Kind of funny.

- [Adam] What are the odds
of a car crash happening

just downstairs from our office

moments after I pitch a
story about a crashing car?

- [Tommy] Slim. I'd say slim.

- Wait, is this a story in
which they have the power

to like manifest things.

- Like "Ruby Sparks."
- Sure.

I don't know who that is. Who's that?

- It was a film-
- Oh. Okay.

- with Zoe Kazan.
Oh, recent then?

- Paul Dano. Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah, like that film.
- Just like "Ruby Sparks."

I would just go to town with that.

You basically have a magical notebook.

How do you test it, right away?

- Well, if we're trying to
come up with a hit podcast,

then I would just write,
"Then they come up with a hit

podcast."
- That's smart.

- Yeah, and then a giant
pool of popcorn appears

and at the bottom of the pool of popcorn

is a door that leads to
another bigger pool of popcorn.

- You're a man of simple pleasures.

- That's right.

- [Adam] Kinda leaves a
bad taste in your mouth.

Ah, let's try a new idea.

- [Tommy] He's on a roll,
ladies and gentlemen.

- Corpses.
- I like it.

- [Adam] Uh, corpses
that disappear quickly.

- Convenient.
- But like very quickly.

Within a few seconds.

- [Tommy] Again, fewer dead bodies around

sounds less horrible.

- [Adam] But what if it's because of bugs.

- [Tommy] Ah, they answer back.

- [Adam] Look, I don't like bugs. Right?

- [Tommy] Few people do. Keep going.

- [Adam] Okay, so consumption
has gotten so out of control

that it reaches a tipping point.

We now make so much rubbish

that insects no longer have
to compete for resources.

- [Tommy] Hadn't thought
of bugs in competition.

Something beautiful there.

- [Adam] It's our own fault, you know?

- [Tommy] This is good.
So these bugs are rich.

- [Adam] But, but then
their population booms

and they get out of control.

They start evolving quicker and quicker.

So they're able to start
planting eggs and, and maggots

into fresher and fresher dead.

- [Tommy] Oh, or what if
they aren't even dead?

- [Adam] Oh, they start
reproducing in living flesh.

Disgusting. I love it.

- What would be the scariest
bug to get real big?

- Do you have one in mind?

- Probably a bee.

- I would go with praying mantis.

- Oh yeah, 'cause they dice you up, right?

- Praying mantis. He go after you.

- Mosquitoes.
- Mosquito.

Oh they could.

Yeah, they'd suck you dry.
- Mosquito would just like,

just needle right through the head.

Just. (huffs) And just.
(groans and screams)

- [Shane] Yeah, they'd turn
ya into little Capri Sun.

- [Adam] Disgusting. I love it.

- [Tommy] Yeah, and that's
why as soon as someone dies.

- [Adam] Their immune system
can't stop all the bug eggs

and they all just hatch immediately.

- [Tommy] Devouring the host.

- [Adam] You just wait to
explode into a pile of bugs.

- [Tommy] Traumatizing to witness.

Literally makes your skin crawl. Good one.

- [Adam] It's this awful tea you made.

It's really got the horror juices flowing.

Okay, what else? What else?

Maybe firemen who.

- [Tommy] Firemen who are actually bugs?

- [Adam] Our itchy friends gone.

- [Shane] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You may be, right. Maybe this
drunk guy was patient zero.

Is that what you're about to say?

It doesn't seem like it 'cause
you're licking your teeth

like the fucking Joker right now.

So I don't know what you're about to say.

- I was about to say

is that I think itchy
man exploded into bugs.

- Okay, so yeah, he is patient zero then.

- Yes, but, but he's bugs now

because they're, that was their idea.

- Oh.
- I thought

we arrived at the same thing

at the same time.
- You see, I know,

I was just.
- But then

I looked in your eyes and they
were vacant and I was like,

no, he's not.
- Not, they weren't vacant

they we're filled-
- They were vacant.

- with different ideas.
- There was no.

Lights were on but nobody's home.

- Oh, ants in the pants.
That's why he was dancing.

- That's why he was
dancing. Ants in the pants.

- I got too lost in the sauce

when they said ants controlling a person.

I was just imagining a bunch
of ants in a large trench coat

pretending to be a human.
- It's because,

it's because he brought
up the "Ratatouille" point

that I was like, oh,
they're like controlling him

like a marionette.

But if he literally had ants in his pants.

- I've never thought about
how awful would it actually be

to have ants in your pants.

- It sounds funny.

It sounds all like-
- I don't think

it's as funny as we think.
- fun and games

until you actually have
pants full of ants.

- [Adam] Our itchy friend's gone.

- [Tommy] That's a relief. Where'd he go?

- [Adam] I don't know, he
just not there anymore.

Left behind a bit of a mess. What is that?

- [Tommy] Don't know. Whoa.

Look at those paramedics.

- [Adam] Never seen one throw up before.

- [Tommy] Must be tough
work. Things they must see.

- [Adam] Ooh. Ooh, there's another idea.

A paramedic team

that becomes so traumatized
by the things they've seen

that they go mad and,
and turn on one another.

But they're both so knowledgeable

about how to keep a person alive

that they're basically unkillable.

- [Tommy] Mm, grizzly.
Heroes turned monsters.

People will love 'em.

(medics yelling in background)

- [Adam] Christ, what now?

(Tommy stutters)

Who's yelling?

- It's the medics.
- You fucking bastard.

- They're.
- I hate you.

- My god. What's?
- I hate you,

you fucking.
- What's going on?

- These guys got "Harold
and Purple Crayoned."

- They got "Harold and
Purple Crayoned" absolutely.

I don't know why you turned
Creole there, but I love it.

- Anyways, they're, we called it.

They're making things up

and then it's happening
outside of their window.

- It's taking them a bit to get, you know,

to realize it.

I guess, you know, what
if it was happening to us

in real time though.

We know we're listening

a real thing that happened.
- To a tape. Yes.

- So we're obviously.

And also being the world's
greatest detectives.

- Detective brains.
- Yeah.

I mean, we'd probably be testing it out

a lot quicker than these guys.

'Cause they're not even
having fun with it.

- What's the first thing you would test?

- I'd be like, big pecs.

- You want big pecs?

- Huge pecs like Schwimmer.

His pecs are big.

- Why do you know that?

- I just remember on "Friends"
when he would wear sweaters,

you know, people would be like,

"Are those implants, Schwimmer?"

- I've never heard that once.

- And he was like, "Ugh, implants?"

- That's a pretty good Ross.

- I've never trotted it out before.

- That was good.

- [Tommy] It's the medics.

They're.
- My God. That's.

- [Tommy] What's going on?

- [Adam] I don't know. I don't know.

- [Tommy] Why are the
things you're pitching

actually happening?

- [Adam] I, I don't know.

Holy shit, they're really
fighting. He's picked up a rock.

Oh no.
- Oh my God.

- [Adam] He just smashed his head open.

- Oh my God.
- Oh.

- Oh my God.
- Go on,

tell me I'm seeing things.

- [Tommy] You're seeing
things and so am I.

- [Adam] Did, did he just melt?

- [Tommy] Adam, I think there's are bugs.

- [Adam] There was a body
there 10 seconds ago.

Now he's completely
gone. What's happening?

- [Tommy] I don't know.

Why is everything you say coming true?

- [Adam] I don't know.
I don't want it to be.

This can't be happening.

This, (pants) this can't be happening.

I'm, oh, I'm gonna black out. (groans)

(heart beating)
(tape recorder clicks)

- Okay. Did you get that?

- I'm gonna black out. Yeah, I guess.

- Oh, he got it. He got it, "Blackout."

- I'm still trying to figure
out is he hallucinating or not?

Because we're going through

the perspective of the narrator here.

I don't like it when I'm not the narrator.

I can't control it.
- Yeah,

you're just in along for the ride, buddy.

- Oh God.

- Now you know how hard it
is for me to do this show.

I work really hard on this show, you know?

I do. You know, people
don't give me enough credit.

I say I vibe in the void but
there's a lot of very hard work

that I'm doing over here.

And now you understand.
- He doesn't have

his ants in his pants.

- Someone once said-
- He had

his hand in his pants,
he's jerking himself off.

- I'm a bit of a hero.

(tense music)
(door handle rattling)

- God, no.
- It's locked.

- [Tommy] It's an electronic
lock and all the power is off.

Yes, it's locked.

- [Adam] We have to call someone.

We can't be stuck in here
with all this, this weirdness.

- [Tommy] No signal, no wifi.

- [Adam] Oh, me neither.

- [Tommy] Adam, I think we're trapped.

(tape recorder clicks)
(Shane gasps)

- That's tape one.
- Oh boy. Well.

- I guess you'll have
to wait till next time.

- Tommy and Adam. We're
rooting for you boys.

- That's right.

What is your next move
here? I mean, we kind of.

- (sighs) Well this is, you know,

I'm not under the influence
of psychotropic tea.

- That's right.
- So I don't know

if we can trust these boys to make

a good decisions, you know?
- A sound decision.

- Yeah, I guess now if you realize

that everything you say is coming true,

just be like, "And then
everything was fine."

- You've been given genie powers.

- Yes.

- I don't think you could be
trusted with genie powers.

- Why?
- All of my,

well, 'cause you're gonna
wish for crazy things.

- I'll do whatever I want.
- You're not gonna stop

at big pecs.

You're gonna, you're gonna
start doing other crazy shit.

- I do that thing I always wanted to do.

Mickey Mouse is me instead.

I'm on all the Mickey Mouse
merch. Disney World is about me.

- Mousemer Day.
- I'm not a mouse though,

it's just me for, you know,

just for some reason, a long
time ago, Walt Disney drew me

instead of Mickey Mouse.
- Are you,

are you wearing the same
clothes as Mickey Mouse?

- Absolutely. Just little shorts.

- The weird little booty shorts

with the buckles in the front.

- Yes sir.

- [Ryan] Next time on "Are
You Scared?." Tape two.

- [Tommy] It's fine. The lifts are out.

- [Adam] But the stairs still work.

- [Tommy] We're safe inside.

- [Adam] Here they come.

- [Tommy] God, what's wrong with them?

- [Adam] Tommy, I don't think
that lock is gonna hold.

(tense music crescendos)
(evil laughing)